My Foot's in my Mouth...

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The following little pearls of Football Humour are all true... or so I'm led to believe !
("I know a good one too..." then please suggest it to me)

Have a beer and a laugh

  • It's not that we underestimated them. It's just they were better than we thought
    Bobby Robson comment after England drew 1-1 with Saudi Arabia in 1988
    (suggested by Steve Sanders)

  • Well, it's Ipswich nil, Liverpool two, and if that's the way the score stays then you've got to fancy Liverpool to win.
    Peter Jones

  • You couldn't have counted the number of moves Alan Ball made . . . I counted four and possibly five.
    John Motson

  • When one team scores early in the game, it often takes an early lead.
    Pat Marsden

  • He had an eternity to play that ball, but he took too long over it.
    Martin Tyler

  • Everything in our favour was against us.
    Danny Blanchflower

  • There will be a game where somebody scores more than Brazil and that might be the game that they lose.
    Bobby Robson

  • Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales
    Ron Greenwood
    (Thank you to Sarah Walcuch for the above 7 quotes)

  • Our goalkeeper didn't have a save to make in 90 minutes, and yet he still ended up conceding four goals
    Joe Royle

  • Ian Pearce has limped off with what looks like a shoulder injury
    Tony Cottee - on Radio 5 Live
    (suggested by David Farnan)

  • The midfield is outnumbered numerically
    Ron Atkinson (showing a solid grasp of the game)

  • There's going to be four or five teams battling for the top six spots
    Chris Waddle (ermm... are you sure about that ?)

  • You only get one opportunity of an England debut
    Alan Shearer

2002 World Cup Qualifier - Germany vs England
(Pre-match arrogance - or pride comes before a fall)

  • I am very sure that we are going to win this game. We are as good as, if not better than, Sven Goran Eriksson's side. I am sure that we are better prepared for this match than England. We will beat England.
    Franz Beckenbauer

  • We don't have to worry about single players such as Michael Owen or Emile Heskey. We have a stronger team and that is what counts.
    Carsten Jancker

  • David Seaman is past his best. Even I would have saved that shot and I don't play football any more. I don't think Seaman has the same standing in the game as our keeper Oliver Kahn, who is better.
    Sepp Maier

  • Steven who? I don't know him. I am not interested in England, or who is in their squad. I don't have time. I have better things to do.
    Steffen Effenberg

  • In Germany we are not as stuck in the past as the English. We have always kept our nerve and gone on to beat them when it mattered most. They (England) put too much pressure on themselves and they have too much respect. I believe that Germany will win in the end, let's say 2-0.
    Pierre Littbarski

  • I am glad that David Beckham will be fit. Now England will have no excuses when we beat them.
    Sebastian Deisler

  • How are England going to win in Germany? It hasn't happened for 100 years. I have no doubts whatsoever that Germany will quite clearly thrash England. They will easily qualify for the World Cup with this match.
    Uli Hoeness

  • Judging from his potential Deisler is a better player than Beckham. He is perfect technically, his crosses are precise, he is dangerous in front of goal, has excellent vision and he is quicker than Beckham.
    Uli Stielicke

Oh... in case you don't know what happened.....
Jancker 6
1 England
Owen 13, 48, 66
Gerrard 45
Heskey 74

  • I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God, that must have been one hell of a pass.
    Bob Davies (aka Jasper Carrott)

  • Even if he had scored for Alaves it would have made no difference to the scoreline.
    Gerry Armstrong - Sky Sports)
    (the above 2 suggested by David Farnan)

  • ...and the Spanish champions have come all the way from Spain
    Channel 5 commentator
    (suggested by Lizz, from Stafford)

  • ...and the silence in the Bernabeu is deafening
    astute commentator on Bayern Munich's away goal against Real Madrid

  • Ziege hits it high for Heskey who isn't playing
    Alan Green - Radio 5 Live
    (suggested by David Farnan)

  • ...and now it's Keane with Butt spread wide
    Radio 5 Live during commentary on a Man Utd game
    (suggested by Stuart Bennett)

  • That defender is very deceptive, he must be lightning slow.
    Ron Atkinson (commentating at Old Trafford 21st Nov 2000)

  • Lets close our eyes and see what happens...
    Jimmy Greaves
    (suggested by Louise Taylor)

  • We need the players, because without the players, we don't have a team.
    Howard Wilkinson (proving he knows what makes a good side)

  • If God wanted us to play in the clouds, he would have put grass up there !
    Brian Clough, expressing his contempt for the long ball game.
    (suggested by Paul Fenton, from Ohio)

  • At the beginning it was a 90 minute game, at halftime it was a 45 minute game and now it's even shorter.
    ABC sports commentator at the 55 minute mark of the Women's World Cup game
    (suggested by Katie, from Michigan)

  • The score is Sunderland nil, Leicester nil, the temperature is nil and the entertainment value is not much above nil.
    from Radio 5 live

  • Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front. We don't pay a million for a guy to hang around in defence.
    NY Cosmos executive, on Beckenbauer's positioning

  • Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.
    David Acfield, commentator

  • The only way we will be going to Europe is if the club splash out and take us all to Eurodisney.
    Dean Holdsworth, Wimbledon

  • I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.
    Stuart Pearce, Nottingham Forest
    (suggested by John Nolan)

  • What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal.
    Jimmy Hill

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  • Credit card application form question : What is your position at the company ?
    Jason McAteer's response : Right back.

  • I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.
    Mark Draper

  • I'd be surprised if all 22 players are on the field at the end of the game,
    - one's already been sent off.

    George Best

  • I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.
    Ron Atkinson

  • Jean Tigana has spent the entire first half inside Liam Brady's shorts.
    Jimmy Magee

  • If they hadn't scored, we would've won.
    Howard Wilkinson, with an astute insight into a game that ended 1-1

  • Forest have now lost six matches without winning.
    David Coleman

  • Liverpool will be without Kvarme tonight - he's illegible.
    Jimmy Armfield

  • Tony Banks described the English fans arrested in Marseilles as brain-dead louts.
    This goes for me as well.

    A Phone-in Caller to "Talk Radio"

  • I'm not sure Michael Owen is a natural-born goalscorer.
    Glenn Hoddle, England Manager

  • I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.
    Ian Rush, (ex-Liverpool) when asked how he enjoyed his time at Juventus

  • Fortunately, Paul Scholes' injury wasn't as bad as we'd hoped for.
    Trevor Brooking

  • Mark Hughes : Sparky by name, Sparky by nature. The same can be said of Brian McClair.
    Brian Moore, commentator

  • Pitbulls are the greatest dogs once you own one you won't want any other type,
    I have 4 Pitbulls, 3 Yorkshire Terriers, and a Dobermann.

    Julian Dicks, (presumably he thinks the others are Cats !)
    Cathal Lydon, Athlone, Ireland

  • The match will be shown on Match of the Day this evening. If you don't want to know the result, look away now as we show you Tony Adams lifting the trophy for Arsenal.
    Steve Rider, commentator

  • Lombardo speaks much better English than what people realise.
    Mark Goldberg, Crystal Palace chairman

  • Aston Villa will play a lot worse than this and lose.
    Alan Parry commentator, with an interesting viewpoint during Villa's cup defeat by Fulham

  • I'm a firm believer that if the other side scores first you have to score twice to win.
    Howard Wilkinson, ex-Technical Director at the F.A., proving that he knows what the game is all about

  • We probably got on better with the likes of Holland, Belgium, Norway and Sweden,
    some of whom are not even European.

    Jack Charlton, ex-Manager - Republic of Ireland

  • I thought I was doing quite a good job there.
    Roy Hodgson, on being sacked as Blackburn's Manager

  • You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw.
    Kevin Keegan, commentating on Manchester United vs Monaco

  • We're going to start the game at nil-nil and go out and try to get some goals.
    Bryan Robson, (disclosing tactics...?)

  • 'If it had gone in,it would have been a goal.
    Barry Davies, commentator

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  • They (Rosenborg) have won 66 games, and they've scored in all of them.
    Brian Moore, commentator

  • To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.
    from the very insightful (ahem) Ruud Gullit
    (suggested by Anne)

  • For those of you watching in black and white,Spurs are in the yellow strip.
    John Motson, commentator

  • Newcastle must still wish they had him to put balls on Ferguson's head.
    David Mellor, (MP and football pundit) on ex-Newcastle star David Ginola's recent good form

  • The game is evenly balanced in Arsenal's favour.
    Alan Parry, commentator

  • I am not here at the moment,
    If you are the President of AC Milan, Barcelona or Real Madrid I will get back to you.

    Joe Kinnear's Answerphone message

  • With Scott Nisbett every pass is an adventure.
    Walter Smith - Rangers Manager

  • He had no chance of beating Schmeichel from there... but it was always worth a try.
    Alan Parry, commentator

  • Schmeichel's thrown that a long way.. in fact, it's gone all the way to Dublin !
    Alan Parry, on the goalkeeper's throw that reached Dion
    (the above 2 suggested by Paul Bradshaw, Denmark)

World Cup '98 Specials

  • After tonight, England vs Argentina will be remembered for what a player did with his feet.
    Adidas advert

  • The World Cup is every four years, so it's going to be a perennial problem.
    Gary Lineker

  • Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored.
    Terry Venables

  • Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.
    Ron Atkinson

  • The Croatian's don't play well without the ball.
    Barry Venison

  • Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose.
    Kevin Keegan

  • I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish.
    Ian St. John

  • I came to Nantes two years ago and it's very much the same, except that it's completely different.
    Kevin Keegan

  • Zidane is not very happy because he is suffering from the wind.
    Ron Atkinson

  • He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it on their faces.
    Ron Atkinson

  • When a game goes like this, there's only one team going to win it now, and that's England.
    Kevin Keegan, after England had equalised in the 83rd minute.   Final score Romania 2 England 1
    (suggested by "Mr Red", Manchester  and Tony Grace)

  • And they've got Kanu, a guy with a heart as big as he is.
    Kevin Keegan, on the Nigerian forward who has just recovered from life threatening heart surgery. Nigeria vs Denmark 28/06/98
    (suggested by "Mr Red", Manchester)

    End of the World Cup '98 Clangers

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  • Reporter: Why did you lose ?
    Kenny Dalglish: Because they scored more goals than we did!
    (suggested by James Marks, London)

  • It took a lot of bottle for Tony to own up.
    Ian Wright, on the Arsenal captain's confession to alcoholism

  • I know where he should have put his flag up, and he'd have got plenty of help.
    Ron Atkinson at Stamford Bridge

  • Football's not a matter of life and death... it's more important than that.
    Bill Shankly
    (suggested by Mike Caddey, Canada)

  • If England are to win this game, they are going to have to score a goal.
    Jimmy Hill - BBC

  • Julian Dicks has been everywhere... it's like West Ham have got eleven Dicks out there.
    Metro-City Radio

  • Two Andy Gorams, there's only Two Andy Gorams....
    Kilmarnock fans to the Rangers goalkeeper after he had been diagnosed with mild schizophrenia

  • I've told the players we need to win, so that I can raise the cash to buy some new ones.
    Chris Turner, Peterborough Manager,before the League Cup Quarter Finals in 1992.

  • Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins.
    Brian Moore, commentator

  • I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars, the rest I just squandered.
    George Best

  • If we played like that every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistent.
    Bryan Robson, Manchester United, 1990

  • That's great, tell him he's Pele, and get him back on.
    John Lambie, Partick Thistle Manager, when told his concussed striker did not know who he was

  • I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs.
    Andy Gray, Sky Sport

  • Richard Keys : Well Roy, do you think you'll have to finish above Manchester United to win the league?
    Roy Evans : You have to finish above everyone to win the league Richard.

  • It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday.
    Radio 5 Live

  • Merseyside Derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different.
    Trevor Brooking

  • Dumbarton player Steve Cahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead.
    Tom Ferrie

  • And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley... unless somebody knocks us out.
    Dave Bassett

  • What I said to them at half-time would be unprintable on the radio.
    Gerry Francis

  • The crowd think Todd handled the ball... they must have seen something nobody else did.
    Barry Davies, commentator, 1975

  • There's nobody fitter at his age, except maybe Raquel Welch.
    Ron Atkinson praising Gordon Strachan, 39

  • If the players want to make it hard for me, I'm happy to make it twice as hard for them.
    Wendy Toms, the first female referee to officiate in a professional game.

Many thanks to Brian Turnham, Mark Southee & James Marks
who have suggested several of the quotes that appear on this page.